Sleep per chance to dream. I kept thinking that to myself last night at 3:30am. These last few weeks with the twins has been rough at night. My wonderful twins have suddenly decided to give me a run for my money. I must have been bragging too much lately how great they were how long they slept in the night and how they have been the easiest of all my babies. So while I’m sleep deprived (hey that would have been a better title for this) and needing to vent I figure I’ll use this. Toss my cares out into the universe and world wide web of strangers.
Here are my confessions:
- Last night was horrible! I feel horrible and tired and icky. I try to go to bed for around 10pm unless I’m really tired and the kids are all sleeping then maybe early. I have been enjoying that time between 7pm and my bedtime, I don’t want to feel guilty for that like I cannot have anytime to myself to be by myself and not have someone crawling all over me. Mark was the first to wake 11 and 11:45, then David 1am and then 2am with a terrible cough and choking sounds. 3am again I’m woken, this time I figure I’ll feed them, maybe just maybe they will settle and go back to sleep for a few hours so for once I can get a few hours of sleep in a row rather than an hour. But alas after feeding is over and babes tucked back in bed I now am wide awake in bed struggling with my thoughts all the while just wanting to either sleep or let go of my control and ball my eyes out. Boys thankfully do not stir until 6:30 where I hope and pray I can just give them a soother and go back to sleep till maybe 8am, am I so lucky? No girls are up at 7:15.
- I feel that if I let go of my control and give in to the tantrum and tears I’m holding back I’ll never get my control back. That if I stay in one piece I can will the others to do as I need and keep the house from crumbling around me. That I should have learned better from the girls and that I am a seasoned mother now and should be able to keep it together. Just smile and the world smiles back with me. However every time I speak I feel like I’m snapping even if I’m trying to be nice and calm about it with my girls. All Diana wants is so to do some crafts and all Amy wants is to cuddle. Yet I hear myself saying not now, go watch tv, just leave mommy alone for 5 minutes. I really want to feel less tired and cranky so that I can sit down and scrapbook with Diana like she wants, and enjoy my wonderful children.
- Sometimes I wonder and ask, why me? Because I thought I was done but yet it was decided for me to have 2 more babies. I love my children with every fiber of my body and am so blessed to have them when others only wish they could have what I do. But sometimes I wonder really why me? and if me then where is the strength I need to get through these hard times. I don’t recall asking for patience because I know when you do you are tested on it and I really don’t know I could stand being tested on it. Maybe I already am. Maybe I have it and I just don’t know yet. It could be buried under all this tierdness right now.
- I really thought keeping a blog would be fun. That I would have all kinds of great ideas to write about, that people would love reading it and pass on my link to others and I would become one of those blogs you hear people talking about. I thought because I liked writing in my diary from the time I was 8 until well about 9 years ago that I would be good at this. Although looking back on my diary starting with entries like how my dad went fishing and caught a Chinook and containing things like I went to the park and saw “blank” in his baseball uniform, he looked so cute! I realize that maybe I don’t have the background required for this. On a side note if you read this and know who blank is please don’t say anything, because yes at almost 30 I would still be embarrassed. Sad but true, those are the feelings of a young girl and that girl still lives inside of me and she gives me comfort to the days when crushes were my biggest worry. Back to my point though, I have no ideas, maybe it is just because I am not sleeping much these days I cannot think of any but yep I feel all tapped out.
- I really really just want to curl up in a ball and sleep, the way I can remember from when I was a teen, just close my eyes and then wake up thinking wow 8hours feels like only minutes and be refreshed and ready to go. My hubby promises me this afternoon though he will take Diana out while Amy naps, and hopefully the boys too so I can get some sleep. It is hard with his work schedule and shifts to get naps some days. I also feel like he needs more rest then I do since he drives far to get to work and pulls 12hour shifts he needs to be better rested, my I could lay on the couch all day if I got the chance. I also do this in hopes that if he does get sleep then maybe just maybe he will let me get some later.
- Lastly I don’t know when the last time I washed my floors… I want to say it was before we left in December to my parents house but I really cannot remember. I am starting to look at the floor the same way you do in a mall food court. I tell myself tomorrow I’ll wash the floor, but tomorrow comes and still no more rest is granted so I again feel less like washing it.
There, now hopefully some weight has been lifted and I can go curl up on the couch and sleep until the next time I have to nurse. I know once I get a little it will help, soon I will feel like myself again and this too shall pass and I’ll wonder what all the fuss was about. For now I keep my Brownie smile close at hand, promise to share and be a friend, and just in case I’ll be prepared for another night of restless sleep to get up tomorrow and do it all over again. Thank goodness for hot chocolate and tea, Toopy and Binoo and Chicken Nuggets in the freezer.