Let’s get a little more personal. Reading books before I had the boys talked a lot about not only the babies but the relationship we were to expect afterwards in our marriage. They talked about the strain and stress multiples and the time involved we would face. That it would be a test to our marriage. I agree some what with what I read. It gave me the chance to prepare for things to come, but it didn’t worry me. I know that twins was going to be a test for us, any child alone can test a marriage. So here is the nitty-gritty on what twins and 4 kids has brought to our marriage, the fights, the sex, our new marriage to each other and our family.
I think the thing for Dave is I and I don’t say this to brag is we aren’t ones to give up. Sure we fight and we have had some really good ones, we’ve shouted things that we wish we hadn’t, but we are strong. We forgive! That is the important thing. We can shout at each other and have our moments but when we walk away from a fight we walk away from everything we’ve said. We come back and forgive and talk about it on a more honest playing field. Or if one of us is just in a bad mood, we call the other on it and move on. I don’t want to say we are firm believers in you don’t go to bed angry, sometimes it is OK. We have learned that most of what we argue about is small petty stuff, we just have lots of emotions going on and need to vent. Once it is out we feel better and move to happier moods quickly. Forgiveness is key. If you cannot forgive each other you cannot move on. I’ll be honest too, during our bigger fights we’ve even asked each other what do you want? Do you still want to be with me? Do you want to leave? We’ve never wanted to leave or have anyone but the other in our lives. We know that we need each other and we always pull together and pull out of what ever is dragging us down at the time. We’ve learned to pick our battles, and also that if the other is just in a bad mood that venting is going to help and make everyone feel better. We always fight fair and we always kiss and make up. Which leads me to …
Don’t freak out, I’m not going to give a detailed reenactment here. I want to be honest about our sex life. Kids does change it in more ways than one. First off, between all the things going on in our lives when is there time? Well there isn’t much, but we find time. I keep telling Dave it’s not about the quantity it’s about the quality. Which means that even if I’m tired, which is usually the case, it is better for both of us if we are both invested in what is going on. I saw once on a TV show the couple had said they were going to catch up on sleep (her) and catch up on sex (him) and the joke was as long as he didn’t wake her up she didn’t care what he did. Anyways even though sleep is still rare but getting much better, we both need to be invested in what is going on in our sex life for the other person. It helps us to stay connected and sex should be fun right! We should both have a good time and enjoy ourselves. I will also admit if you couldn’t tell before from above that yes our sex life has decreased, it wasn’t a stellar sex life prior to the boys, but it was a good average one. We know and hope that when things settle down here more it will get back to what it was before or as often anyways. Some of it is me, my body has changed a lot, if you haven’t read Hanging Low, then you don’t know what I’m talking about. It is hard to feel sexy when I see how different I look. Sure I’ve lost all my weight and then some, but well lots of things just aren’t the same, some hang a little lower, some parts a little more jiggly and wrinkly, and there isn’t any kind of cream that can fix that stuff. I do look at my changes as badges of honor, but it is hard not to miss my old body a little, I did have it for a long time. So my advice to new parents of multiples is enjoy the sex you have, it will get better and more often. Don’t let that become something between you. Talk to each other and be honest about your feelings towards it. Be there in the moment for each other. And try to kiss and hugs lots without the intention of sex, that will help keep you strong during the less frequent times. Be creative too, explore your house and options. Or there is always the shower when time is tight and well everyone needs to get clean right?
Communication is key in a marriage too. Learn to talk to each other and be honest without feeling like your being judge. You both need each other, it isn’t one needs the other more, you both need each other and need each other equally. One may need the other more at one time and the other way around. We have to remember that we both have hard parts to our lives. Me I have 4 kids to organize, feed, cloth and keep clean all day, and also the house too at the same time. Dave he has a hard job, 12 hour shifts, rotating from days to nights. He goes days without even seeing his kids because he leaves early and gets home too late. He comes home to help out around here too. So we work hard to respect what the other goes through and support each other where we can and went we need to. Our marriage works both ways, sometimes we need to give more sometimes we are the ones taking more. We also make sure to say I love you each time we get off the phone, go out the door and leave each other.
Marriage is work, and a good marriage takes a lot of work. Dave and I work hard, and we love hard. That is why things are good for us, we both work at it. We are each other’s best friend, in the end we want to be with each other. We dream of our lives playing out together, cards on the deck at sunset, walking in the snow under tree full of lights, geocaching for days on end, getting the car and just going somewhere new, all that and more.