I know it has been awhile since I have been on here to write a blog post. There has been so much going on with me, and not my normal crazy busy life with 4 kids. Awhile back I had started to notice some strange symptoms and things going on with my body. I found after my sister’s wedding, I was losing my hair at a rate I have only seen when I’ve had my babies and that pregnancy hair sheds, I am having trouble maintaining my weight, which seems odd because I walk often with to and from schools all week hauling 50-100lbs of kids in a wagon. I had a really late period and odd ones at that. Oh that week I was late was the craziest week for me. Picture it, I’m late and staring at my 4 kids thinking, this cannot be happening again! Dave and I couldn’t tell anyone because how to do explain it to people, Dave has had a vasectomy and has been clear for over a year. We had already conceived the twins on Birth Control and Condoms. I kept thinking “Really why me, why do have have to be that woman to get pregnant twice on extreme measures not to!”. 4 negative tests later and lots of ice cream and cookies, I felt a little better. But what else is it then. So I called my Dr and asked to get some blood work done, thinking OK maybe it is Thyroid. So I do the blood work and get the results back. My Dr tells me I’m physically fine. I felt really puzzled at this point. How can I be fine, did you not hear what is happening? I’m just really stressed. Stress. I felt the words echo and bounce around in my head. She recommended that I try to get out and chat with some friends more often, take some me time and she wanted me to start seeing a Psychologist.
Sure I felt relief that I wasn’t going to need to be on medication, but to realize that it was me that was broken really hurt. I didn’t feel like I was depressed or sad. I really sort of thought things were OK. I guess I was wrong. I know lots of women feel this way and maybe PPD has just caught up to me in a different form. I’m a rescuer, if someone has a problem I want to fix it. I was to help them. I want to do what I can and make things better. I hate to see my friends and loved ones suffering and now here I am the one suffering all because I want to make them feel better. I talked with my mom about this and how I felt. She understood how I felt and was urging me to make sure I got the help recommended. She also could see how I got this way, knowing I’m a rescuer. She said it is hard because even she knows she has taken advantage of me. When I flew out for my sister’s wedding, I arrived to a heap of issues, and what did I do. I got on the phone and started to get answers and I pushed and did what I needed to help my sister out, and you know what, they all let me because I’m good at it. I know I’m good at it, and I don’t mind doing it. I’ve done everything from fake cry to telemarketers who have scammed my sister into trips to get her out of it, and I’ve yelled and demanded to 1800 product lines until I’m speaking to the presidents line to get my mother’s printer fixed at no cost, shipping etc all paid for. You know what though, no one thinks to help rescue the rescuer. Everyone thinks that I’ve got it all figured out. I don’t. Because of Dave’s job and work hours I have learned how to run our family and household myself. But please don’t think for a minute my husband doesn’t help out, he is an important part of our home. When he is here we actually sometimes get a little closer to catching up with things. He helps out with cleaning all the time, the only thing he doesn’t do is bathrooms. He washes the dishes as much as I do. We work very well as a team. But a lot of time because he is working I carry the load.
So in the few weeks since I’ve found out my news I’ve had to make some changes. I’ve had to step back and away from the one thing I love dearly. Girl Guides. While this is supposed to be my outlet for me, it is also something I need to step back from. For those parents who have not been involved in Guiding but had kids involved, it takes a tremendous amount of work to run the programs and plan camps. All my Guider friends know this all to much. And we all do it as volunteers, because we believe in the values the program teaches our girls. So I have to put it aside until my kids are older and it will be easier to manage all the planing and personal time that goes into it. I am trying very hard to devise an easy cleaning schedule with Dave so that we can make sure at least the important things get done regularly, and don’t keep piling up until it is urgent to be done. It is just so hard to do everything one needs to do in a day. Our kids are learning to pitch in a little more. And as usual we just do what needs to get done, the rest can wait. Only the important things get done in the day. Parts of our plan are working but parts are not and it will all be trial and error until it does. Some of you might think I’m only going to make things worse for myself, but anyone who really knows me that I need order, and even though my life is chaotic now I still need to have a mental plan of action and organization, so that even while my house may not look the tidiest I still feel totally in control and organized.
My current goal is all about the house and the kids. I’m working at bring back the homemaker. Not that long ago homemakers were a well respected part of society. It wasn’t until women started wanting more and demanding more rights. Don’t get me wrong I love that I can vote and have a voice but some where along that same line of rights, the right to be a mother to stayed home with the kids became looked down upon. I don’t get the same respect as a Lawyer or a Doctor might because I didn’t go to school for 8 years and make over $100,000 a year doing what I do. I’m sorry but I work hard at my job as a mother and homemaker. I love every part of it. I enjoy laundry, and dishes, and cooking, even cleaning. I really do take pride in everything I do around my house. I want other moms and homemakers to feel the same. We shouldn’t have to feel like we have to do everything for everyone outside our own homes just to get recognized and feel appreciated. I’m not recommending we all up and give up our volunteer work that we all do, or those things outside the home we love but to also let our homes be our pride as well. Yes all I do is stay home with my 4 kids, but I love it! No I don’t watch TV all day I think it has been well over a week or two since I actually sat down to watch it to begin with. Sure I hang my clothes out on the line to dry and grow a garden, but I love those things. Years ago those things weren’t part of the green movement they were part of life. A life I am trying to get back to with my family. Enjoying more time together as a family, taking pride in the things we do together around our home.
No longer am I going to let someone else opinion bring me down about the choices I make. I love my simple life and I’m working hard at taking the stress out of it. It is time to stop and smell the roses and enjoy my life at home and being proud of it. I chose to stay home because I love my kids and love being here. I have felt bad for the last few months while I’ve been building the stress up because I haven’t been the fun mommy I want to be, I’ve been more impatient with my kids than usual and I’m hoping to change that. I’ve been working really hard at letting things go and focusing on them more. Wish me luck on my journey back to a life where I have less stress.