This morning the kids and I made our way to church. It was the Sunday School Picnic and I thought it may be the last chance for Sunday School before summer was out and well after that ends it gets even harder to go when I have to wrestle the 4 of them through the service. Turns out Sunday School was over already, sigh. We forged on but alas as much as I tried to set an example of a put together parent trying to keep 4 kids in one location, from having melt downs and even just sitting still, I failed. All I wanted after I saw my morning taking a back slide was to make it through worship. My BFF Sarah leads them and I always find respite in the music on Sundays. Music has always been a moving thing for me. I lost my way with it over the kid years lost in the itsy bisty spiders, water buffalos, and ninjas in vegetable town. I’m working on making it a part of regular life again, and music that moves me. Anyways my plan was sadly going there way and not mine but I prevailed and after the songs were sung we made a bee line for the playroom to wait it out until the picnic began. 4 to 1 I cannot take back a picnic, and if I did I was still going to be stuck with these 4 shorter people for the rest of the day, better to spend as much of it as possible outside of the house with others. Alas I get in the room and in comes Sarah kicking me out, a saving grace to enjoy the service.
So I sit in peace. Listening to the message, about Success or Failure. Everyone has felt one of these feelings or another. Many mothers feel these and more often the latter. I’ve been wrestling with many of this over my time as a mother. I don’t know if more so it is because of my anxiety or if I just over analyze it more and think about it. At least I learned recently that I’m not the only on in the family who does it. So I sat and listened as our pastor talked about Elijah and how when God finally spoke he ran off in fear. I read a book recently where two of the main characters were talking about when you talk to God how do you know you have heard him. Sometimes it can be as loud as a church bell and sometimes it can be as soft as a whisper. I was tying some of these thoughts together during the service. I have more than once asked God why me? I was ready to be done after 2 kids and yet whammo 2 more in one shot. When I found out about the boys I always told myself God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, I have carried that as a mantra. But I also have asked God why me? Why do you think I can handle this? Look at me, look at my anxiety, this cannot be good. In small whispers he gives me a push or small successes along the way to help me, but I still really would like that solid answer. The whole deal, the well Heather this is why you, you are blah blah blah and so on. So I keep waiting and hoping to hear more little whispers on the way.
Lately I feel a little more in the failure area, not a complete failure but that the odds are severely stacked against me. Like Elijah, where I just want to curl up and wake up refreshed and ready. I even came home from church today and put my PJs on and put a movie on for the kids and just hide. Through the service I related myself to a Disney movie, the part in UP where Russell is tired and Mr. Fredrickson and the house are dragging him along. I feel like Russell, “I’m tired, my knee hurts, my elbow hurts, I have to pee!” Just that I really don’t want to walk any further.
As parents know we don’t get that option to just give up, and well I choose to not give up. Today wasn’t a great day and well in truth it had been a long busy weekend for us. It isn’t like this every day. We all have good days and bad days. I do have to laugh though because in preparation for this picnic I was going to make these great black bean brownies that were Gluten Free so the boys had a treat since it was a dessert or salad pot luck. But due to a long late day yesterday it just wasn’t possible so I came home and rummaged my formally stocked with great easy baking cupboards in hope for something like a few boxes of Jello, alas I had nothing. So I decide to pack a few ready made snacks for the boys and I to have should there be nothing they can have that is Gluten Free and make the last box of brownie mix I had hiding in the cupboard. I do pride myself on being a good baking and making great treats and well these turned out good. But wouldn’t you know it the one time I really cheat and not pull out the stops, I get asked by several members today for my recipe for the brownies and I had to give the credit to Duncan Hines. I guess that was my small success today that at least my box brownies were a hit.
For those like me having a lower day. Keep faith (no matter what it is in), and know that the kids will go to bed and tomorrow is a new day. All 2 year old’s are a challenge, and two can be doubly hard. But they won’t be two forever and it is also important to cherish the small things.